Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
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Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
I’m not stressed
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.