Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
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Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Come back with a warrant
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky