The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
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INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Ghost costume 😂
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.