@FuckabillyRex: Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn't respond that she's been thinking it for a while.
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@ehchino: How do I know you're not a cop? "If I was a cop, how would I have this?" *shows police badge that just says 'Not a Cop' on it* Oh, okay good
@MikeCanRant: I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering "Your end is nigh, letter boy."
@DaddyJew: 6: can i have ice cream? Me: ur room clean? 6: if I clean it can I have ice cream? M: sure 6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
@KeetPotato: [babies txting] "my dad's thumb just came off" wtf "woah wait its back on again" no way "great he's stole my nose now" im phoning the police