@FuckabillyRex: Just apologized to my dog for being a crazy person, and I could tell by the way she didn't respond that she's been thinking it for a while.
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@RobDenBleyker: Video games don't cause violence, they PREVENT it. Whenever I see a turtle now, I chuck it off the nearest cliff where it can't hurt anyone.
@Jn1fer: *Writes "For a good time call" on random gas station bathroom wall *adds work phone number *Gets excited about work today
@FrenulumBreve: ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I'm nervous. I've never done a bungee jump before. INSTRUCTOR: don't lick my lips again.
@topaz_kell: [impatiently yells] "What do I have to do to get a margarita around here??" And that's when I got kicked out of Dairy Queen.