“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
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You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?