Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
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How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
reading a book about blimps and every other sentence is like “unfortunately there was a 10 mph crosswind and the blimp exploded”
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..