Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
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Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
If only
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My dog ate my work from home.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.