If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
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Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
🤣😂🤣
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.