FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
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I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.