JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.