Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
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Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Noah
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.