Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
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My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
That de-escalated quickly
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: