You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
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If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
Sincerely, spiders
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
c’mon!
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be