@Sassafrantz: Just ate my last pair of edible undies, I guess it's time to get groceries.
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@YesImMatt: When people's driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
@XplodingUnicorn: Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told? Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
@DurtMcHurtt: My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my.. *golf swings* Pennefactor.
@Thynebear: Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.