@Sassafrantz: Just ate my last pair of edible undies, I guess it's time to get groceries.
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@Pro_Jones_: (NASA) HQ: Good launch everyone. Astronaut: Uhh what's that buzzing noise? NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
@SortaBad: If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
@wife_housy: Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
@stephenjmolloy: Me: "Can I buy you a drink?" Her: "I have a boyfriend." Me to barman: "A beer for me and a 'I have a boyfriend' for the lady."