@DirtMcTurd: Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
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@GrantTanaka: If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
@iGreenMonk: Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl's drink, that would make her do my taxes.
@DanMentos: [guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine] "Who's president?" Barack Obama "Braco? Sounds Mexican" Nope "Whew" You might want to sit down
@cjcapbt: I knew I was going to jail when I yanked at the cop pants and they didn't tear away ..