Just ate the last slice of pizza and I wish there was more. Suddenly all of Taylor Swifts songs make sense to me.
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Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?