Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
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i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month