Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
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the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
She was rare, like a goth jogging
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
“our sushi is very fresh”
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this