When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
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Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.