I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
You Might Also Like
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown
What an awful time to have common sense.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
God has abandoned us.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.