Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
You Might Also Like
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge