Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
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[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
Me trying to reach for my goals
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Her: I’m a vegetarian but I love a cheeseburger once in a blue moon.
Me: Cool. I’m a good person except for the occasional knife attack.
the red hot silly peppers
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
How high do the levels go?
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money