People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
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“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
✌🏽
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Close call…
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Bread puns are on the rise!
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom