I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
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*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.