The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
You Might Also Like
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Schrödinger’s cookie
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.