Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
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Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.