Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
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Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot