Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
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Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I don’t want to say I’m na茂ve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
I didn鈥檛 know any of my neighbor鈥檚 names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo鈥檚 mom, Phoebe鈥檚 dad, Max鈥檚 mom and Bo鈥檚 parents
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Wordle is trying to tell me something
猬溾瑴馃煩猬溾瑴
猬溾瑴馃煩猬溾瑴
猬溾瑴馃煩猬溾瑴
猬溾瑴馃煩猬溾瑴
猬溾瑴馃煩猬溾瑴
馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩馃煩
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 馃檪
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 馃檪
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you鈥檙e looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn鈥檛 possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
I鈥檝e eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Me: We鈥檙e well stocked with the necessities, let鈥檚 not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let鈥檚 eat, every hour, like it鈥檚 a cruise buffet
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.