Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
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Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”