Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
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me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!
Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.