Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
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I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Yes my dude
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go