@PeaceInTruth1: Just because I'm smiling doesn't necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Brampersandon_: *runs into wife on the way to see his mistress* Aww are those flowers for me? -Uh...yeah Is there a card too? *with a mouthful of paper* No
@dafloydsta: [bankruptcy court] JUDGE: Didn't you do any financial planning? ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
@vapidaccount: ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them...lipstick melts.