Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
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They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.