@Underchilde: Just because I’ve lost my mind doesn’t mean I’m looking for it.
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@DaddyBeerGuy: My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
@MikeOdenthal: i hate sex and have no libido but i still date because i love explaining to women why the music they like is bad
@Carter_TCB: One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours.
@omerwahaj: The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.