Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
You Might Also Like
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.