he’s sick of your bullshit today
You Might Also Like
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*