Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
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Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
socratic questions
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.