Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
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me 2 months after i graduated
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer