Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
You Might Also Like
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years