Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
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me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.