“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
You Might Also Like
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”