“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
I love art.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.