@GrandadJFreeman: "Just because you can't dance, doesn't mean you shouldn't dance." -Alcohol
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@RobinMcCauley: Can't stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
@AbbyHasIssues: How to use a credit card machine: 1. Insert card. 2. Don't remove it yet. 3. Nope, still not yet. 4. Yeah, not yet either. 5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON'T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
@OctopusCaveman: When you have children, sometimes you see a glimmer of your personality shine in them, and in that moment you know why your mom drank.
@msdanifernandez: [during sex] him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens [takes out telescope to watch comet]