“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
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I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.