“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
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my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
he chose this
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Milk Cube
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman