Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
It be like that sometimes 😆
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Ain’t no way
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.