Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Does beer think about me too?
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
How do dragons blow out candles?
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking