Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
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Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
become ungovernable
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
fr
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.