Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
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I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
The first matador
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.