Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
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Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.