BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
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my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Skills
I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?