@jazmasta: Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
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@Brampersandon_: WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that's why
@SufficientCharm: Tampon boxes should come with a "It's not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat." warning.
@blade_funner: Officer: I'll need to see a photo ID. Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight.