@jazmasta: Just been doing some DIY using my stepladder. Not my real ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
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@jeffswarens: Boss: Everyone is behind schedule and making excuses. Does everybody here think I'm an idiot Me: Don't ask. They swore me to secrecy.
@LionJenkins: Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: Recalculating Route Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: Recalculating Route Me: *Wrong Turn Siri: You're on your own, Idiot.
@ChrisScarlette: [pizza delivery] Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip* uh HELL YEAH! *pulls out phone* see that RT button?
@KevinFarzad: Before college I didn't have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.