Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
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Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
who will stop them
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold