Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
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People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Perfect
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Merry Christmas
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me