Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
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Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”