ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
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We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
The days of good grammer has went
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.