Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
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ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don鈥檛 rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I鈥檓 not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
馃敳 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
馃敳 Good at building blanket forts
馃敳 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
馃敳 toilet paper roll goes OVER
馃敳 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You鈥檙e a long movie preview. I鈥檝e been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT鈥橲 NOT WORKING, JANET
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.