Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
You Might Also Like
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!