@Anyalachae7: Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says "probably just shitfaced."
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@jake_lach: When I was 12 I ate a bee to impress a girl, and she just sent me a friend request on Facebook. So, mission accomplished.
@Ristolable: Hi, I'm a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
@hurlarious: [INT. STARBUCKS - DAY] Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom Barista: ? Me: A large rat Barista: ? Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
@fluffysuse: My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don't need Twitter because I will never stop laughing